Heidi Montag, hopeless wannabe and purveyor of tacky stripper wear, is back to dabbling in music again with her latest single Fashion. And by dabbling, we mean destroying both the history and future of music, of course.

There’s a lot to say about this track, but what we want to know first off is, exactly how does Heidi manage to channel a vaguely Japanese former ABBA singer with a speech impediment? And where did she learn French?

But let’s start with the lyrics. First up is the chorus:

“Fashion, put it all on me, don’t you want to see these clothes on me?”

The answer to that, Heidi, is no we don’t want to see those clothes on you. Especially if they’re made by Heidiwood and will give you a skin rash. But we do encourage you to cover up, because it beats seeing you flail around yet again for staged photo ops in a bikini.

Next up, this stunning verse:

“I live to be model thin…dress me, I’m your mannequin.”

A wonderful message for all young girls out there Heidi, really. Body issues, anyone? Better get some, because clearly beauty is all about being a brainless bimbo who doesn’t have to waste time thinking when she can strut around in designer clothes hung on a super-thin body. Love it.

But even though we’re clearly the President and Founder of the I Hate Heidi Club, at least she can count on having one fan. Heidi’s boyfriend and loyal partner in celebrity-wannabe Spencer Pratt is giving his thumbs up to her new track, declaring it “the greatest song of my life.”

Riiiiiight. Forget the Beatles, forget Madonna or whoever floats your boat. In fact, forget all the other bands and singers who ever existed or will ever exist – Heidi Montag is The One.

We bet Spencer won’t be making the video for this hot single, though. Not after the backlash from Heidi’s beach-bomb video for Higher, which he directed. Love will only take you so far, after all, and two stink-o videos would be a total deal-breaker.

Okay that’s it. We’ve had to listen to Fashion three times all the way through to properly critique it for this post, and frankly, we can’t waste another second of our busy day trying to care about it.

We have no more words for this mon-tag-strosity of a song (Cheetos to our coworker across the cube for that one!), and thanks to Heidi, we no longer have ear drums. Or a will to live.

Suffice it to say, Heidi, the fame-hungry wannabe, has struck again. Check out the track below and tell us what you think.